Patience
by DedicatedToTwilight
Summary: A continuation to 5x13.
1. Chapter 1

**Patience**

'_So here is mine. I love you, Dan Humphrey. Always have, always will.' _

'_Serena...' _

'_No, you don't have to respond right now. I have some... maid-of-honour things to do before Blair and Louis leave, but I really hope we can talk later.' (Gossip Girl, Season 5, Episode 13 'GG') _

He looked for her, the wedding planner shouting something about the best man and maid of honour dancing together with the bride and groom in their last dance. He asked people, but no one had seen her. She was gone. But he didn't stop searching.

He focused on finding her. Otherwise, he would lose control of his thoughts. His mind would wander, remember her words. _I love you, Dan Humphrey. Always have, always will._ He loved her too. Of course he did. He always would. Just not in the same way. At least not now.

He saw her through the glass doors of the St Regis Hotel. Even with her back to him, she was beautiful. Or maybe it was the memory of her that was influencing him to think so. Either way, it was true.

He sat beside her on the steps.

'You must be freezing. Here, have this.' He placed his coat over her shoulders, making sure her hair remained at the same level of perfection. Her fingers gripped its edges, preventing it from falling. It smelled the same; she knew it wasn't the same coat, yet it smelled just like the many others he had wrapped around her shoulders. Just like his shirts that she used to wear, or his sheets that they used to lie in. The same intoxicating smell, something that only she could sense. She smiled.

'You should be inside.' She didn't look at him. She couldn't. She didn't want to allow him to say it, to hear what she could guarantee was coming.

He couldn't let her change the subject, thought. If there was anything he had learnt from his past, from his tumultuous relationship with Serena, it was that honesty truly was the best policy. He couldn't not say anything, make her believe something that wasn't accurate, or true. He couldn't that to her. He loved her enough not to.

'Serena, I'm in love with her,' he spoke softly, bluntly, avoiding to even glance in her direction. She was grateful for that. She prepared herself to hear those words, yet when he uttered them, they hurt. The voice was the same, the words similar. The difference was the one he was referring to. It wasn't her anymore_. You loved me, too._

She tapped her cheek with the back of her hand, hoping not to smudge the mascara with her tears. She stood, allowing the coat to fall on his lap, and turned towards him.

'I know. But I'm willing to wait.'

He reciprocated, towering over her by the slightest measure. 'What are you going to wait for?' he asked, and his hand instinctively wrapped around hers, preventing her from leaving him.

'Us.'

'Why?'

She sighed, and gently untangled her fingers from his. 'Because you and I are forever. And that's enough to give me the patience.'

She started climbing the steps to the hotel, distancing herself from him. She stopped at the top and looked at him again, subconsciously content that his eyes were still following her. That he cared, even if only a little.

'I just need to know; what would have happened if I had chosen you that night, after the ballet?'

She waited. He smiled, a sad smile. One she wasn't used to seeing.

'Then it would have probably been us in there, not Blair and Louis,' he spoke, and when their gazes met, Serena could swear that she saw the glisten that made her heart flutter. The way only he used to look at her. That beautiful way.

'Love like that doesn't just go away,' she said, and left him standing there, at the bottom of the steps, preventing him from noticing the small drops of hurt leaking from her eyes and heart.

_A/N: Hey, guys, thanks for reading this short little fan-fic. I hope you like it enough to review! xx_


	2. Chapter 2

She wakes up crying; the same way she fell asleep. When she had let him go outside the hotel, she knew it wasn't going to be easy. But she had no idea seeing him kiss her would hurt that much. She looks around her old bedroom; she couldn't bear to be at Blair's. Her eyes rest on her bedside table; their photo at the debutante ball. And she cries a little more. She can't help it.

She doesn't understand why Blair would do this to her; she wants to blame someone for this, anyone but herself, the one actually responsible for the failure of that relationship. But Blair is in love with Chuck; everyone knows that. Why would she string Dan along? Just to watch her die inside?

She notices her mother at the dining room table. Lily stretches her arms out for her daughter, but Serena overlooks it. She sits at the opposite end, avoiding her mother's pitiful gaze. She eats; not caring what, or how much, trying to fill the void inside her.

She only notices him after he sat next to her, and has to bite on her tongue really hard to stop tears from falling again. She thinks that she can feel his warmth, and it sickens her to realise she's enjoying it, even after last night's events. He's looking at her, but she doesn't respond. She just hopes she won't succumb to the threatening sobs; and it's becoming harder and harder not to.

Lily exits the room, and Serena knows she should too, but there's nothing forcing her to. No matter how tense or cold the atmosphere between them was, she prefers seeing him than not. Pathetic, she knows, but there's nothing she can do about it.

'Serena...' he speaks once they're alone.

She turns her head; not to prove a point, but hoping the water underneath her eyes would dry if he wasn't looking.

'So that's it? You won't even talk to me?'

She doesn't move, but he notices her shoulders shake from the sobs that she couldn't control.

He walks around and kneels in front of her, taking her hands into his. He's surprised at how hard they are shaking.

'Hey, I'm sorry.'

'Why can't you just leave me alone? Don't you think you've done enough?' she says, her words barely audible amongst her weeps.

'Come here,' he whispers, and doesn't give her enough time to push him away. He envelopes her in his embrace, and instead of rejecting him, she pulls him closer, knowing how much it would hurt when he'd leave.

'I'm sorry you walked in on Blair and I last night...' He doesn't say anymore after that. They just sit in silence, and she cries until she can't anymore. She cries for the love they had, for the love they could have still had, and for the feelings that she had for him. She cries because she's alone. She cries because she is fighting with her best friend. She cries because she feels she's lost her. And then she stops.

She pulls away from him, and looks at his worried face. He rubs the water on her cheeks with his thumbs, but she slowly moves his hands away from there.

'Dan, I can't keep doing this. I'm glad that you finally got what you wanted, you have Blair, and that you are happy. I only want you to be happy. I'm just sorry it couldn't be with me. So for now, I think we should stay away from each other.' She pushes his hands away, and stands up.

'Serena...'

'I'm doing this for me, okay?'

As soon as she shuts the door to her bedroom, she takes out a suitcase. She has to get out of there.

_**A/N: **__I'm not entirely happy with this, but I hope you like it. Please review. I think I have one more chapter for it, and then it's finished. Oh, and this happens after the Valentine's Day episode. I have to admit, I cried a little when Serena saw Dan and Blair kiss. Thanks for reading! xx_


	3. Chapter 3

Things happened so fast; either that, or any notion of time became parallel to her. For the beginning, she was alone. And it hurt; more than she prepared herself to withstand.

She made up with Blair; of course she did. But it wasn't the same. It would take her a while to go back to the sisterly bond between them. She still couldn't trust Blair the way she used to. She felt so lonely, like there was no one to rely on. The one person she knew she could always count on was now gone too. And she wasn't used to that feeling. She hated it.

Three months later, she was called in the early hours of the morning at some dirty bar in Queens, to pick him up. He was drunk, and crying, and completely unaware of anything around him. Blair left him. Of course she did. She had always loved Chuck, and Dan was just a little distraction. Serena had known all along that would happen. But Dan wouldn't listen; Blair would deny it. At least she was now happy with the one she truly loved, and Serena couldn't not be glad about that. She wanted Blair to be happy. She deserved to. She was just sorry Dan had to be hurt in the process.

He was heavy in her arms as she dragged him to her town car outside. He muttered something which she didn't understand, but didn't fight with her as she sat him inside. He passed out shortly after that, his head weak on her shoulder, and hands limp on her lap. She looked at him, the man she couldn't help but love, and felt sorry for him. Apart from more prominent cheekbones, he was the same boy she fell in love with a few years ago. At least she hoped he was... How could she not know who he was anymore?

With the help of her driver, Serena laid Dan on his bed in the loft. She removed his shoes and covered him with a blanket, and when she tried to leave, she couldn't. He was so vulnerable, so alone; she didn't want him to feel as miserable as her. So she took off her own shoes and lay next to him. The smell of alcohol and cigarettes made her rethink the events of the night_; 'Sorry to disturb you, miss, but you are the number one on his speed dial. We have a mister Humphrey here, and he might need some help getting home tonight.'_ She then realised she was _still_ the first on his speed dial. The cruel games that false hope plays made her think that she did the right thing by staying with him that night. But when she woke up the next morning, legs tangled and his arm around her, the same way as they would have been a lifetime ago, she realised her mistake. So she left, quietly, without leaving a trace of her existence with him.

Later that day she received a message.

_Thank you for being here last night. Dan. _

Always.

xoxo

Before she knows it, summer arrives. She used to love the heat and sun, but now the pure thought of enjoying it on her own kills her. Her mother worries; so she is sent to the Hamptons to be with CeCe. She doesn't dare to tell Lily how hard it is to go back, knowing what happened the last time she was there. But maybe the quiet and the poolside chaise long will be good for her. Or so she thinks.

CeCe has different plans. There are parties, and dinners, and brunches, and Serena must attend them all. She wears the finest perfumes and designer dresses, and puts on a smile like she doesn't have a care in the world. She chats, and laughs, and no one reads the pain in her eyes, because no one there really cares. If the appearances are kept well enough, then no one bothers to see what's behind them. She doesn't have to try that hard either. He's not there to figure it out, overlook her poker face. Except for him, no one else could give a damn. Sometimes, not even Blair.

Her grandmother eventually gets her way, and by the end of June, Serena agrees to be taken to dinner by James Temperton. He is nice, and quiet, and _'belongs to a respected social class'_. But most importantly, he has money. And he accepts her as she is; broken, and boring, and weak. She knows she will never love him. She's already in love with someone else. But that person won't love her back; he doesn't seem to anymore, so she needs to move on. And since everyone approves, by the end of the summer, they are an official couple. They go to dinners together, and attend charity galas, and read headlines in the newspapers saying _'Serena and James – New York's Golden Couple.'_ But when they kiss, she feels Dan's lips under hers. When they sleep together, she pretends Dan's arms are around her. She feels awful; James is loving, and kind, and in love with her. And she fakes it.

She cries on Christmas Eve; that was the one time she couldn't stop it. Blair is there for her; she holds her, and smoothes her hair, and regrets every moment she spent with the one her best friend loved. She hates that she was the one to break such a powerful connection between two people who just had to be together. But she's there to pick up the pieces of what she had ruined. And Serena is grateful.

xoxo

The reporter takes a 'Christmas Day with New York's Elite' picture of her and James, and she knows she'll see it in the newspapers the next morning. She doesn't care anymore. He should know about it anyway. Her apartment is filled with much too many people, and she feels claustrophobic for the first time in her life. But her well rehearsed smile is placed on her face again, and no one apart from Blair notices.

And then all happens so quickly. There is a crowd around her, and James drops to one knee. She hears gasps as he takes a small black box out of his coat pocket. _'Will you marry me?'_ A proposal on Christmas Day. How cliché. She remembers a similar situation far too well; Bart and Lily. Claus and Lily. Now James and Serena. She would become her mother. She would marry, and remarry, and never be with the one she loved. But she doesn't care anymore. Is there any point in caring?

'Yes.' And the crowd cheers. Except for Blair. She exits the room.

xoxo

'_Less than two days until the wedding of the decade. Serena van der Woodsen and James Temperton will finally tie the knot with a small, private ceremony at an undisclosed chapel in Manhattan, followed by a lavish ceremony at the prestigious Empire Hotel. It is rumoured that the expensive reception is the bride's brother, Charles Bass' wedding present to the happy couple. We want to congratulate them and wish them all the best.' _

Happy couple? Newspapers say all kinds of crap.

She doesn't want a big wedding, but the social status asks for it. She can hear the chatter and even the heels clicking against the marble floors of the church. The dress is too tight; her heels are too high. She feels dizzy and can't breathe. But she once again pretends to be able to. How has her life ended up being a sham? She doesn't want to answer that question. She can't start regretting it now.

'You don't have to do this. I know you don't want to. Why are you going through with this?' Blair holds her hands, and forces her gaze towards her.

'What should I do, B? Wait my whole life for something that's not coming?'

'How do you know? Serena, we're talking about a boy that wrote a whole story about you. A boy that swallowed a lot of criticism only to be with you. A boy that loved you more than life itself. Three months with me couldn't have changed that.'

She smiled, not a fake smile, but a sad one. 'The same boy wrote a _novel_ about _you_. He rarely falls in love; but when he does, there's no one else for him. I had my chance, I blew it several times, and he healed by being with you. He fell in love with you; he wouldn't have if he had any more feelings for me.'

'I know that's not true. If you marry James, you're killing any chance of getting back together with the man you love.'

'Some people need to sacrifice things in their lives. My mother did; so will I. It can't be that bad. At least I won't be alone. I'll be with someone who loves me.'

'No one is asking you to sacrifice this. You're hurting yourself _and_ him. Think about that, and if you're okay with it, then go out there and say your vows. I just need to know that you won't regret this for the rest of your life.'

Blair waits. But all Serena does is smile at her in the same broken way as before. She drops the blonde's hands.

'Okay. If that's what you want... I'll see you out there?' She doesn't wait for a reply.

Serena fixes her makeup and looks at herself in the mirror once more. All she sees is a broken heart. And a beautiful dress; she focuses on that, takes her mind off...other things.

'You look so beautiful. You always do.'

His voice startles her, and when she turns around, the sight of him brings a sour taste in her mouth.

It's hard to speak. She doesn't know what to say. She hasn't seen him in so long...

'Dan... What are you doing here?' It's suddenly so hot in the room. The feeling that she couldn't breathe that she had experienced before is suddenly insignificant, compared to what was happening now.

'Don't marry him.' It's so low, so soft, that she wishes he actually said what she thought she had heard.

'What?'

'Don't marry him, Serena.' This time he spoke loudly, clearly, his words bouncing off every wall in the room at least a hundred times.

'Dan, you can't do this to me. You lost the right when you dated my best friend...'

'I know, and I'm sorry, but I can't let you do this. Please don't do this!'

'I have a church filled with people and a man that loves me waiting for me. This is our goodbye, Dan. I'm sorry it has to be this way.'

She picks up her bouquet from the crystal vase. Just as she did on the steps of the St Regis Hotel, before she leaves the room, she stops and looks at him one more time.

'I just want you to know something. I really did love you. Everything that I have ever told you was nothing but the truth. But it wasn't enough to save us. I'm sorry.'

She opens the large double doors and places a single step out, until he wraps his hand around her small wrist and pulls her back towards him, their mouths meeting at the middle. And although she knows it's wrong, although she knows it will hurt even more at the end of everything, she kisses him back, hard, passionately, pouring every single moment of angst she felt for the past few months into that single kiss.

He pulls away and unites their foreheads, the tips of their noses touching. She knows she should, but she just can't pull away. She's in her wedding dress, a few minutes before getting married in front of what seems like the whole world, but she can't find the willpower to let go of the man she actually loves.

Until she realises why they weren't together in the first place. He loved Blair. What happened to that? She starts crying, something she has managed to control decently well until now.

'Why won't you just let me go, once and for all? I had to move on, Dan, because you _left_ me! I gave you the opportunity to be with me; I told you I loved you! And you made it _very_ clear you weren't interested. So why the change of heart? Why now? I just needed the closure, and here you are, ruining everything I have built these past...' He interrupts her by pressing his lips to her again, slowly, trying to still them from shaking with sobs. Then he spoke again, and she just listened, her arms still locked at the back of his neck.

'I'm sorry it took hurting you so badly, disappointing you, for me to finally understand where I belong. Who I belong with! Serena, the day Blair left me was a wake up call for me. She left me to be with Chuck, the love of her life. And I thought about what that actually meant. For Blair, it means Charles Bass, and everything that comes with that. For me, it means late nights at some old pool hall with a beautiful blond girl that has absolutely no talent when it comes to playing the game. It means picnics in Central Park, cardboard snowflakes and that four year old laugh that I just can't get out of my head.'

She cried even harder, and he cupped her face with his hands, her hot tears rolling down the backs of them.

'You said I was the love of your life. You said you loved me, and that you always will. You said we were forever, and that is what true love is. Forever. Don't tell me you can imagine it with the man waiting for you at that altar.'

She didn't speak; she couldn't. She didn't know what to do. What to believe. How to react. It was all so unexpected, so mind-numbingly shocking, she forgot where reason stopped and insanity began. But maybe it was okay. Maybe she could be madly in love.

'Serena, I know I have no right to be here. I know it's so selfish, but I need you to give me a second chance. I messed up, I know that too, and I will always regret it. But we both know you won't be happy with this guy. You don't belong with him. You belong with someone who loves you, and with someone you love back. I love you, and you love me too. Please, don't marry him. Please...'

They looked at each other, no more words said for a while. And through her tears she saw that look on her face, the one she glimpsed on the night of Blair's wedding, and the one she first saw in his bedroom, a lifetime ago. He wasn't lying. He did love her. And she wasn't sure if she could walk away from that again. In fact, she knew she couldn't.

'Dan, there are three hundred guests and fifty film-crew members in the church. On top of that, there is a man, in a suit, waiting to marry me at a beautiful altar. If you don't take me away from here right now, in less than two hours, I will become Mrs James Temperton. So what are you going to do?'

xoxo

Blair entered Serena's boudoir, prepared to reluctantly drag her best friend down the aisle. Instead she found a note, in her neat handwriting, that said,

'_B, I'm sorry, but I'll sacrifice other things in my life. Not love. S.' _

Beside the piece of paper rested her engagement ring, the diamond glistening in the sun rays that shone through the large window. She couldn't help but smile. One, because her best friend was finally happy, with the man that was supposed to make her so. And two, because she could finally stir some drama by interrupting the dreadful wedding that could have just happened.

_**A/N:**__ Okay, here is the last chapter. It's really long, and maybe a bit boring, but I wanted to make it this way to show the quick progression and how meaningless it was for Serena. Anyways, I hope you like it, and please review! Thanks xx_

_Oh! And there are quite a few unrelated references to 'he' or 'him' in this chapter. If you haven't realised already, they mean Dan, not James. _


End file.
